Accessing our inner world: The healing power of compassionate mirroring for personal growth and transformation
When was the last time you felt truly seen, heard, and felt by another person? Have you ever been able to show your full sensitivity and vulnerability in front of someone who is willing and capable of embracing your experience, even if it is painful, confusing, or limiting? Do you feel valued and appreciated as a unique individual?
The accepting and supportive presence of others is crucial to our development both in the early years and later in life.
Our self-esteem is shaped by the reflections we receive from our parents or primary caregivers. In our desire for attention or affection from them, we often suppress many of our emotions and psychological qualities. As children, we quickly learn what is desired, rewarded and forbidden or sanctioned. In some families anger is unwelcome; some parents cannot tolerate sadness, while others reject joy. Autonomy may be rewarded or dependency encouraged. In some families there may have been a chronic and persistent lack of empathy and attunement, or our early experiences may have been frightening and dangerous. Feelings of rejection, neglect, verbal or physical boundary crossing are deeply rooted in our bodies and psyches.
As adults, when someone offers us a safe space for our whole experience, acknowledges our uniqueness and kindles a sense of being worthy of love, it can be fulfilling and healing. A compassionate relationship has the potential to reveal (new) meanings, insights and purpose, and to help us access parts of ourselves that we have turned away from in order to "update" and renew our beliefs, emotions, and behaviours. Compassion is the way to profoundly process our "prisoners"," "exiles"," i.e. feelings of inferiority or worthlessness, rejection, anger, shame, disappointment, existential despair and so on. It is a way to be heard and felt, especially when we are in a black hole or when the storms and challenges of life are raging within us. Of course, this has to be done without blame or pathology and without the intention of urgently changing or fixing ourselves.
Who can be our compassionate mirror and to what extent are we able to give others a truly loving gaze, say kind words and really touch them? Can we be a platform for their feelings and insights? And to what extent do we have a kind and compassionate access to our inner world?
The ability to relate to others and ourselves and to give them this kind of support depends on the extent to which we have managed to reconnect with our rejected and disconnected self, especially if it was not given to us in childhood and throughout life. It also depends on how much we are in touch with repressed anger, sadness, joy, sense of our own worth, etc. A deep openness to different experiences is particularly important for therapists because it is the prerequisite for our clients to connect with the disowned parts of themselves. While the journey to self-discovery is most effective with genuinely compassionate professional support, it is by no means the only way. In particular, cultivating compassionate friendships can be invaluable to our personal growth and well-being. Good friends who listen without judging and who provide empathetic support can help us access our inner world and work through difficult emotions. They can also challenge us to grow and become more self-aware. Therefore, it is important to nurture these relationships and seek out people who share our values and offer genuine compassion.
Ultimately, a deep openness to different experiences is crucial for our growth and healing, whether it is professional support or personal relationships.
- Metka Kuhar, Mudita Institute